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The Hall Of Shame

A pre-horror Kelly (Alexie Gilmore) and Jim (Bryce Johnson) enjoy a Bigfoot Burger in Willow Creek.

A found-footage film that follows a young couple’s attempt to make a film about Bigfoot and the famous Patterson-Gimlin 1967 film. (looks very fake but experts have since struggled to replicate the gait of the ‘creature’ on the film). The initial setup is told quite well, the highlight being the couple mocking a mural in the nearby town that shows Bigfoot helping the townsfolk in various tasks and also sitting with his head in his hands looking depressed – is it any wonder after all that slave labour?

The woman Kelly (Alexie Gilmore ) I thought was pretty much perfect but Jim (Bryce Johnson) was a bit too bland to be worth watching for more than half-an-hour. Maybe though that’s the idea – a perfectly nice and inoffensive couple getting terrorised in the Californian woods is more frightening that a couple you don’t like and can’t empathise with.

Disappointingly after all the set up – nothing out of the ordinary happens for at least an hour into the film. There’s the standard frightening noises – cue unending shots of the couple in the tent looking scared. Eventually at the end of the film there’s 5 minutes when something does happen. But it’s not frightening at all and you don’t actually see anything. Ok maybe I blinked at the wrong time but I never saw a Bigfoot. In fact all I saw was a distressed looking topless woman. When you have no special effects budget she’s probably much easier to conjure up than a 300 pound 7 foot ape man.

I would now like to see a found-footage horror film where absolutely nothing scary happens at all. That’s certainly a twist the audience won’t be expecting. Willow Creek has already made bold steps in that direction.

2/10

What the hell ??

This could be the Citizen Kane of street dance films. I will never know since I stopped watching after the first 10 minutes. The unimpressive sight of a bunch of twats dancing lamely on the tops of cars while another one of their number records it on camera put me off straight away. The fact that all this is meant to be ‘cool’ and somehow aspirational for today’s teenagers made me want to vomit violently.

I watched up to the point where the bland main male and female lead characters were introduced to each other. They then did some of the most embarrassing dancing ever. I decided to leave them to it.

A 1% chance that this is the best street dance film ever and a 99% chance that it’s shit.

1/10

Actually the best photo I can find for this film, there are so few on the internet…

On paper this actually has a lot going for it – when one of their clients goes on holiday, pool boys Roger (Matthew Lillard) and Alex (Brett Davern) decide to set up a brothel in his huge mansion. The film has the style of Weekend at Bernie’s crossed with the story of Night Shift (the film where Michael Keaton and Henry Winkler run a brothel from a morgue). This premise offers the writers numerous comic possibilities. In fact it should have been good, but…. instead it’s dull, unfunny and boring.

The normally dependable Matthew Lillard is strangely subdued and cuts more of a tragic figure than a comic one, and his cousin Alex is just not an engaging character full-stop. The best thing about the film are some of the quotes, which bizarrely range from Homer to Shakespeare. I am including one here so you dont have to watch the film.

‘And Summer’s lease hath all too short a date. Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, and often is his gold complexion dimmed.’

Starts off dim and never shines brightly. 2/10

(Please note : This film was originally called American Summer for it’s original US release)

Dean Cain added 1 to the review score

I do watch MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) but if it wasn’t for that I would have stopped watching this after the first 10 minutes. Normally when you talk about bad-acting you mean the performances are slightly wooden or unbelievable but this film takes bad-acting to a whole new level. It sounds like lead ‘actor’ Tony Schiena is putting on a fake voice the whole film and his on-screen wife (Shannon Lepard) adds to the hilarity with some class-A bad acting of her own. As for the film – think Rocky 4 but with MMA replacing the boxing, but include in that (much) worse fight scenes and dull training sequences. A terrible film. The circle of blame starts here… 1/10